Dreams of a Faceless Lover

There are days when from out of the blue

while i am half awake and half asleep

i see this man come in my dream

he does not have a face

no features

i try to find out who he is

but he is not anyone i know

he is an unknown man

he is sleeping with a woman already

he is just talking to her

when he sees me

he leaves her

and he moves towards me

i think why is he giving me so much of importance

he does not even know me

well may be that is the best part

my dreams don’t want to know him

if he knows who i am

he will not desire me

so he doesn’t know me

he likes me sitting there

and he comes to me

he does not even talk

he does not even touch me

he looks at me

he looks into my eyes

he is not judging me

he is just plain simple looking at me

no questions

no answers

no converstations

none that i can see in his eyes

i have never seen a man like him

none

after some time this woman

she comes and sits next to this man

he does not turn to her

i like that

he does not turn to her and he keeps staring at me

the woman goes away

we both are left alone

we touch each other

and we lie down

no questions asked

no answers given

we make love

plain simple love

the dream ends

i wake up

i try to tell myself i know him

i feel guilty of such thoughts coming to my mind

i am married

this is a sin

but the good thing is i don’t know this man

i feel less guilty

i feel more attracted to him

i close my eyes again

this man is smiling again

sitting on the same bed

he leaves the book that he is reading

and comes towards me

this time i see his face

but i have not seen him

who is he?

we make love again

i wake up

i start my day

i think about him all day

i try to sleep again

he doesn’t come

i start reading something and forming him in my mind

he will come tonight

again

i will ask him to come again

i like this man

but i will not name this dream love

i will call him “peace”

he makes my mind peaceful

i don’t need chaotic emotions

all i need is peace

this man is peace

i will dream of him tonight

because he will not ask me

he will desire me inspire of

everything around him

he will be with me

wait for me

and love me

without a word

a relationship

all men look

but a woman feels

guilty to even dream

i will dream without guilty

of this faceless man

i will give him face of my imagination

and nurture him

till eternity

fearlessly

The Day I was taking my Last Breath

I remember that day was just one of the usual kinds
I got up and did all the regular things
I looked at my face in the mirror and
I had smiled
Ya, I do it everyday
I remember when I got up
there was this strange nagging pain
near my tail bone to be precise
I thought it will go in some time
after all those days i was carrying a soul inside
these things are common
they happen and they pass
I was sitting in the sun and the pain grew sharp
so sharp that it was difficult to breath
so sharp that it was difficult to even move
it was scary
it was weird that i was hoping that it will still pass
i didn’t wanted my worst of fears to come true
i sat in the sun and then i just rolled down on the floor
i kept lying
in a shape of a womb
it was the womb that i was trying to protect
then i saw blood
i saw blood as fresh as a fresh wound
it broke my heart
i still didn’t know i was dying
i went outside and laid my body in the sun
i knew my time has come
then i saw my son coming from the school
with his bag on his back
he was still in his school
i was hallucinating
i dialed a cab
i went for an ultrasound
i was hemorrhaging
they told me i have 15 to 20 minutes left
i started to weep without noise
i begged to the lords i want to live
i begged to the lords i want to live more than those 15 minutes
i was taken to the hospital in 10 minutes
and was operated in next 10
they sedated me
but i didn’t get unconscious
i was left with a litre and a half of blood
my pulse was low
so i was given sedation of low quantity
i started chanting my prayer
i felt them cut through me
i felt the iv come out of my vein
i could feel the blood trickling down my hand
i could feel the gush of the warm blood on my cold surface
i closed my eyes and i heard someone mobile ring
i heard them say move the camera this side…
i heard someone say what is she saying …
i heard them say it was a boy
i heard them say and i couldn’t move my lips
they said it had fully taken shape and it was alive
i heard them cut and sew
i heard and i felt and i wept and i prayed
i prayed that if it is my last day i want peace and
i want to move in to the next world peacefully
i prayed for forgiveness and i prayed i meet those
souls that loved me once again
i saw my son’s face and something said he will be fine
but i didn’t say him my goodbye
he had not come back from school
he was pulling me
i came back to life
i was rewarded the life
i was scared to sleep
people came and told me
don’t worry for what you have lost
be thankful that you have one child
it hurt me
they hurt me
they were not suppose to say such things
you know
but they did
people say things to you
people come and say things to you
when someone dies
you can’t control people
they don’t know what else to say
anyway that is not the point
the point is
that something changed in me that day
it was like i touched the end and came back
i was wondering if it was the end
what was i actually leaving behind
what memories would my mom share
what memories would my friend talk about
would my family miss me for a week a month or a year
would my son forget me in few month
would my husband remember me everyday or he would get married again
would my diaries that i wrote since i was seven will be read by my grandchildren
what about all the certificates i slogged so hard to earn
what about all the experience certificate
what about all the books shoes clothes
they would land in some garbage can
who needs memories of the dead
they don’t want to see the memories of the dead
it does not help to move on
my memories would also be a hindrance
i have seen friends telling those who have lost someone close
remove the pictures of the dead from the wall
its a constant reminder of them being dead
so depressing
after i gained strength that i did eventually
i suddenly felt a strong urge to run
to run to a different place
the walls of my room was reminding me of my pain my loss
people came to ask me about my health for two three weeks
but the pain wouldnt go away
i went to the doctor
they told me it is still fresh
you need to live with it
i went to more doctors
they took an ultrasound and told me
you are thinking too much
read
i read a lot
i ate a lot
i spoke a lot
i was still in pain
i was tired of the pain
that pain was not going
it is still there
can you tell me why?
can you tell me it is not real?
tell me it is not real.
tell me it was all not real.
tell me what is not real cannot hurt.
tell me how fortunate i am.
tell me how thankless i am.
tell me how strange i am to write all this to you so shamelessly
tell me please.
tell me anything you want.
but talk to me.
don’t leave me judged and bruised.
tell me .
it will be alright.

Sonali Strange

ps – with all the honesty i could muster
to write this load off my chest
Judge me
Go On
This note is a TRUTH AND DARE!
i feel lighter