Do You Know How Strange They Are? Then Why Do You Fear Your Own Strangeness??

I am not a big fan of self help books. Why? Because they never help me !

Why they never help me ? It is because first they tell me how miserable I am and then they want to teach me different techniques to overcome that defect that I perpetually live in breath in and will probably die in.

Well …I believe I am ending up writing a self help note…. eventually it is all about working things out..isn’t t?

We all are same…that is what I have concluded and it makes being me easier.

Whatever I feel is weird about me … I have seen a slight glimpse of same weirdness, same fear in people I have interacted with , thinking they are devoid of any such weaknesses. No what I termed as weakness is a trait in a self help book. Once I read the word trait ..I feel miserable…Oh God! I think it is a long term illness is all that we can see off. All the self help books that you will come across as good books will make you believe – Well You Can Do it Too!

So why not in a nutshell …make it a day to day exercise of believing in our own self . Believing I will not let these hush hush voices pull me back.

What are these voices? Who all can hear them? How do they come in our Head?

These voices are of the sub conscious mind . They come from our past. These voices are of the people we have met in our day to day life (our relatives, friends , teachers, acquaintances, colleagues) – anyone who made us feel worthless , less than others, incompetent or in a nutshell WAS ABLE TO RIP OFF MY SELF CONFIDENCE OR THE IDEA OF WHO I AM!

We want to believe in these voices and these people we come across…because something in us is always ready to be vulnerable and fall apart.

Trust me We ALL Hear them! We hear these voices when we are doing anything new that we havent done before.

When we are trying new clothes. Looking ourself in the mirror. Meeting someone new. The excitement gives way to enthusiasm and in that rush the Voice in the head comes to powerplay with the Mind! It says Oh! you thought you are looking good ? You think this new person you are going to meet is going to like you ? You will be able to pull of that presentation really well!

Well Aint HAPPENING ! I YOUR WEAK THOUGHTS (THAT YOU HAVE BEEN NURTURING QUIETLY IN THAT MIND OF YOURS) I  AM HERE  AND SEE HOW I MAKE YOU PLAY THE GAME OF CAT AND MOUSE! YOU RUN FROM ME OR I WILL CATCH YOU! I WILL NEVER LET YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! YOU NEED CONSTANT APPROVAL OF FRIENDS AND RELATIVES TO TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE GOOD! YOU NEED THIS CONSTANT APPROVAL THAT YOU ARE DOING FINE ! YOU ARE NOT CONFIDENT! YOU ARE NOT OKAY BEING YOU SO YOU ARE ASKING! SEE I WON THE GAME!

Well I believe I have written it loud and clear to you all…and trust me in my 16 years of teaching and working experience I have heard at least hundreds of student  and colleague confide in me what they feel at that moment when they feel less confident. A shiver runs through the spine when I realize how like a parasite we feed these feelings for years and make it stop our progress like a watch which needs winding and when left alone untouched stops.

The Realization that every negative thought about our own being counts is important. You cannot let it just lie there at one corner and wait for these negative thoughts about your ownself disappear one fine day!

It is a constant conscious work ! You need to pick that broom up and through the dust out of your mind. Not have a single iota of pity for those bad thoughts . You need to be ruthless when you discover yourself getting into this trap of worthless. You will find so many people trying to tell you that you YOU DO NOT  have that in you !

You Do Not Have That In You!  because…..

You cannot move alone in life without a bad relationship  hanging on your shoulder because …the Society My Dear IS Bad! Oh You are so Vulnerable ! You are too emotional ! and what not ! and if you dont listen listen then you are selfish and self centred. People know what we fear and they use it against us to make us do what they want us to do ….just like these voices in the head which tell you how not to feel good about yourself. It’s a vicious cylcle.

Listen to your own self.. STOP BEING DEPENDENT OF OTHERS APPROVAL OF THE WAY YOU LOOK ! THE WAY YOU WANT TO LIVE YOUR LIFE! APPROVAL COMES AT THE COST! THAT COST IS NOT REACHING THE OPTIMUM YOU ARE CAPABLE OF AS A HUMAN BEING!

Be Free!

EMOTE! COMMUNICATE! LAUGH! SMILE! CREATE! TRAVEL! SEE! LOVE! CARE! and remember everything else exist because of You ! You need to feel the strength of the air you fill in your lungs. You need to be aware of the life that exist in you is Capablility!

I know it is difficult! I am also suffering when I give in to those voices. But when I DONT I LIVE.

THOSE MOMENTS WHEN I HAVE NOT GIVEN ON TO THOSE VOICES ARE THE MOMENTS OF ACHIEVEMENTS MOMENTS OF ADVENTURE MOMENTS OF CREATIVITY MOMENTS I HAVE FELT FREE AND ALIVE

EXPERIENCE IT !

(I think my article is a bit too long today …. but I HOPE you will be aware of those voices and shoo them off and feel FREE TO LOVE YOURSELF…. do leave a comment if you think you were able to get one of those feelings out of your head when you read this 🙂 🙂 🙂

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The Secret of Falling in Love with Your Own Self

Have you been in love?

Ofcourse who hasn’t .

And I need not even ask you this …but still I will…have you been in love with yourself.

Well if you find this approach completely narcissistic …let me tell you this if you haven’t been in love with your own self then you haven’t loved truly anything in this world.

Ya ! Love is not just a feeling like I have heard one of the person I thought knows all about love say time and again. Love is much more than just a feeling . Love is a relationship of acceptance of what we have denied exist within us . It is a tag of a relationship that we want to build on mutual respect of what we see and and what we believe.

Having said so How can we love anyone if we do not have any such relationship with our own self . If I don’t think I deserve the love of the person I want to love me because I have a big nose or  a big fat butt or I am not good enough in many ways I can think off…how can that person see the beauty in me or in my soul ….if i myself do not think i am lovable.

I have lived with so many fears and days of self hate during my school days.  I was constantly teased because of my voice which was unusually hoarse. I was very thin and very tall. I felt my nose was too big and too long .  And when my friends teased me a little bit i use to fall in self pity for hours and days and weeks and hated mostly everything about myself.

I prayed to god that to make me beautiful.

but during the self hate days i also realized that no one knew how miserable i was but me myself.

i one day looked at myself in the mirror and looked into my own eyes.  I felt pity for myself and I felt love for myself. I loved myself for all the suffering i have adhered . i knew if i don’t do anything of these voices in my head which tell me i am not worth it they will kill me soon or make me into that ugly image which does not have voice and wilts away in self pity.

I started talking to myself daily in the mirror. i threw many questions at myself and gave answers. Not only I gave answers I pretended to be very smart and confident. I kissed myself in the mirror and thought …. mmm not bad….if a day comes I will be able to pull it off….after all i never had a boyfriend 😉

Since my relationship with the mirror was very interactive …my fear of meeting new people and talking started to disappear as I had developed this habit to look straight into the eyes and talk that i didn’t had before. Thanks to the MIRROr Exercise.

I felt comfortable in my own skin. I was aware of how I sound and look while I talk.

Trust me …. the acceptance of who we are and loving that image that we are makes a hell of a difference. Try it ! Love your self ! Know Yourself! You will Never Regret!

BAD WOMAN

BAD WOMAN

They know a bad woman once they see her spirit
They meet her
Find her happy
Not hiding her feelings much
She speaks a lot
Laughs
Speaks at the things they would secretly think but never openly speak
She likes her own self
She mostly is engrossed in self love
So they know
The Bad Woman
Once they Meet her

Pretending to be smart
she tries to help them out by weird suggestions
she thinks they are friendly
but the Bad Woman doesn’t know
they dont mix too much with women like her
they keep her at hands bay
the bad woman
ha! the bad woman is so naive
she thinks she is real good in everything
stupid oversmart over enthusiastic
trying to make the minds of their wives dirty
by talking to them about selfish things
Bad Woman

She has children
and just like her husband she is busy in her own life
why did she bring those poor kids up
if she wanted to wear a man’s shoes
what was she thinking
when she got married
who will tolerate a skunk like her
Bad Woman
She things she is so Good!
Ha! We care two hoots that she knows
a little something about everything
trying to cut in barge in in all coversation
what does she tries to prove everytime she walks in a room
BAD WoMAN’
One day someone will sort her out
Till then let her bask in this glory of self love
Bad Woman

Yours Sonali

Sonali Strange

PS . Very Sleepy . Its more than 2 in the morning…

The Day I was taking my Last Breath

yoursonali

I remember that day was just one of the usual kinds
I got up and did all the regular things
I looked at my face in the mirror and
I had smiled
Ya, I do it everyday
I remember when I got up
there was this strange nagging pain
near my tail bone to be precise
I thought it will go in some time
after all those days i was carrying a soul inside
these things are common
they happen and they pass
I was sitting in the sun and the pain grew sharp
so sharp that it was difficult to breath
so sharp that it was difficult to even move
it was scary
it was weird that i was hoping that it will still pass
i didn’t wanted my worst of fears to come true
i sat in the sun and then i just rolled down on the floor

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Dreams of a Faceless Lover

There are days when from out of the blue

while i am half awake and half asleep

i see this man come in my dream

he does not have a face

no features

i try to find out who he is

but he is not anyone i know

he is an unknown man

he is sleeping with a woman already

he is just talking to her

when he sees me

he leaves her

and he moves towards me

i think why is he giving me so much of importance

he does not even know me

well may be that is the best part

my dreams don’t want to know him

if he knows who i am

he will not desire me

so he doesn’t know me

he likes me sitting there

and he comes to me

he does not even talk

he does not even touch me

he looks at me

he looks into my eyes

he is not judging me

he is just plain simple looking at me

no questions

no answers

no converstations

none that i can see in his eyes

i have never seen a man like him

none

after some time this woman

she comes and sits next to this man

he does not turn to her

i like that

he does not turn to her and he keeps staring at me

the woman goes away

we both are left alone

we touch each other

and we lie down

no questions asked

no answers given

we make love

plain simple love

the dream ends

i wake up

i try to tell myself i know him

i feel guilty of such thoughts coming to my mind

i am married

this is a sin

but the good thing is i don’t know this man

i feel less guilty

i feel more attracted to him

i close my eyes again

this man is smiling again

sitting on the same bed

he leaves the book that he is reading

and comes towards me

this time i see his face

but i have not seen him

who is he?

we make love again

i wake up

i start my day

i think about him all day

i try to sleep again

he doesn’t come

i start reading something and forming him in my mind

he will come tonight

again

i will ask him to come again

i like this man

but i will not name this dream love

i will call him “peace”

he makes my mind peaceful

i don’t need chaotic emotions

all i need is peace

this man is peace

i will dream of him tonight

because he will not ask me

he will desire me inspire of

everything around him

he will be with me

wait for me

and love me

without a word

a relationship

all men look

but a woman feels

guilty to even dream

i will dream without guilty

of this faceless man

i will give him face of my imagination

and nurture him

till eternity

fearlessly

Chill ho Jaungi Ek Din

Chill ho Jaungi Ek Din
Chill ho jaungi ek din
Jab pehlu mein tum
betakkaluff waqt aur kuch
befikr pankh batore laaungi
Timeless zone ke kisi koney ke Coffeeshop mein

Tumhare addiction se rihaa hokar
Ek Table par Reserved ka Board lagaa kar
Tumhe Time ke bandh haatho se churaa laaungi…
Tumhari
Ss
sonali shetty

The Day I was taking my Last Breath

I remember that day was just one of the usual kinds
I got up and did all the regular things
I looked at my face in the mirror and
I had smiled
Ya, I do it everyday
I remember when I got up
there was this strange nagging pain
near my tail bone to be precise
I thought it will go in some time
after all those days i was carrying a soul inside
these things are common
they happen and they pass
I was sitting in the sun and the pain grew sharp
so sharp that it was difficult to breath
so sharp that it was difficult to even move
it was scary
it was weird that i was hoping that it will still pass
i didn’t wanted my worst of fears to come true
i sat in the sun and then i just rolled down on the floor
i kept lying
in a shape of a womb
it was the womb that i was trying to protect
then i saw blood
i saw blood as fresh as a fresh wound
it broke my heart
i still didn’t know i was dying
i went outside and laid my body in the sun
i knew my time has come
then i saw my son coming from the school
with his bag on his back
he was still in his school
i was hallucinating
i dialed a cab
i went for an ultrasound
i was hemorrhaging
they told me i have 15 to 20 minutes left
i started to weep without noise
i begged to the lords i want to live
i begged to the lords i want to live more than those 15 minutes
i was taken to the hospital in 10 minutes
and was operated in next 10
they sedated me
but i didn’t get unconscious
i was left with a litre and a half of blood
my pulse was low
so i was given sedation of low quantity
i started chanting my prayer
i felt them cut through me
i felt the iv come out of my vein
i could feel the blood trickling down my hand
i could feel the gush of the warm blood on my cold surface
i closed my eyes and i heard someone mobile ring
i heard them say move the camera this side…
i heard someone say what is she saying …
i heard them say it was a boy
i heard them say and i couldn’t move my lips
they said it had fully taken shape and it was alive
i heard them cut and sew
i heard and i felt and i wept and i prayed
i prayed that if it is my last day i want peace and
i want to move in to the next world peacefully
i prayed for forgiveness and i prayed i meet those
souls that loved me once again
i saw my son’s face and something said he will be fine
but i didn’t say him my goodbye
he had not come back from school
he was pulling me
i came back to life
i was rewarded the life
i was scared to sleep
people came and told me
don’t worry for what you have lost
be thankful that you have one child
it hurt me
they hurt me
they were not suppose to say such things
you know
but they did
people say things to you
people come and say things to you
when someone dies
you can’t control people
they don’t know what else to say
anyway that is not the point
the point is
that something changed in me that day
it was like i touched the end and came back
i was wondering if it was the end
what was i actually leaving behind
what memories would my mom share
what memories would my friend talk about
would my family miss me for a week a month or a year
would my son forget me in few month
would my husband remember me everyday or he would get married again
would my diaries that i wrote since i was seven will be read by my grandchildren
what about all the certificates i slogged so hard to earn
what about all the experience certificate
what about all the books shoes clothes
they would land in some garbage can
who needs memories of the dead
they don’t want to see the memories of the dead
it does not help to move on
my memories would also be a hindrance
i have seen friends telling those who have lost someone close
remove the pictures of the dead from the wall
its a constant reminder of them being dead
so depressing
after i gained strength that i did eventually
i suddenly felt a strong urge to run
to run to a different place
the walls of my room was reminding me of my pain my loss
people came to ask me about my health for two three weeks
but the pain wouldnt go away
i went to the doctor
they told me it is still fresh
you need to live with it
i went to more doctors
they took an ultrasound and told me
you are thinking too much
read
i read a lot
i ate a lot
i spoke a lot
i was still in pain
i was tired of the pain
that pain was not going
it is still there
can you tell me why?
can you tell me it is not real?
tell me it is not real.
tell me it was all not real.
tell me what is not real cannot hurt.
tell me how fortunate i am.
tell me how thankless i am.
tell me how strange i am to write all this to you so shamelessly
tell me please.
tell me anything you want.
but talk to me.
don’t leave me judged and bruised.
tell me .
it will be alright.

Sonali Strange

ps – with all the honesty i could muster
to write this load off my chest
Judge me
Go On
This note is a TRUTH AND DARE!
i feel lighter